The past few days were like a total crash down from the bliss. That guy I met made me realize how messed up I am emotionally from my past relationships, combined with some unhappy little incidents at work, made all the negative things that I have always felt about myself came pouring out like a river. I felt so inadequate and useless, with little desire to live. It's ok because I knew it would pass and it did.
I had a review with the restaurant and the manager told me her observation and wanted to know how I felt. I could definitely stay if I showed that I wanted to learn and was happy to do this job. What she told me was right and I had to be honest with myself, so I let go of the job which probably works out for both of us. What I learn is that it is not about my incapability to do restaurant work, but my past fear and dislike that were imprinted in my subconsciousness. They were too hard to get rid of and are shown through the way I work.
Damn past!!
I had my last days at work with a company party to end things off. There was a new gay Thai co worker, and he was pole dancing and flaunting his stuff. Some of the straight guys were not really accustomed to that. Many people were drunk and he asked my manager in front of everyone why I had to leave. It was a little bit awkward for me at the time, but of course it ended with a joke she made. I got a few extra free meals from the leftovers so I can feed myself a little bit. This week I'm doing trial shifts for the massage job, so I'll see how it goes. If things don't work out, I will probably head to Melbourne/Victoria early with my friend to do some fruit packing work. It's strange because I remembered last night I was dreaming about making a decision to go to 2 different farms, but with a weird twist of course.
Weather has been rainy and cloudy for almost a week now. It's like Vancouver but at least not freezing here.
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