riding my emotional wave

OK Grace reminded me to write on my blog so here it is. (Thanks!)

Usually at night, I just stayed in the room and be like an old lady. If I'm alone in the room, I see it as a chance for me to do some matrix work on myself. On Thursday night, the German girl invited me to drink on the beach at night with the hostel people. I was a bit alone at first but later on I mingled a bit more. I went back early though because I had to pee and I was also getting tired. I still feel that the people are a bit too young for my age.

Friday or yesterday, I felt a bit left out knowing my matrix friends are going to get certified in Seattle this weekend. WTF am I doing here? I was living a good life in Vancouver and I have given up everything to be in a place where I'm not even happy at. I really miss doing the matrix work and all my receptive friends. I was told that the hostel fee was going up the next day and if I wanted the cheaper rate, I would have to pay that day. I ended up paying for a week because I didn't want to worry about where to sleep for awhile, eventhough Manly is a bit inconvenient to go into the city. I checked my bank account also and I'm not doing so well financially either. Staying in a big city without working is totally draining my money away. It's been 2 weeks and I haven't found a job yet. I was so stressed and upset. I wanted to cry but I had no privacy to do so. I was alone in the room in the afternoon and my roommate caught me, how embarrassing. At least earlier she said she has done the same before, and the first 4 weeks are tough for everyone. I read self help books and did some matrix, so I felt better. I have to understand that fear and everything is not real, and I'm in this situation for a reason. I almost wanted to come back to Vancouver but I would feel like such a failure if I did because it defeats the purpose of a working holiday. I really have to trust, trust and trust. I also felt like I didn't even know how to enjoy life and appreciate anymore. I mean I'm in a warm place with beaches(most of the time), but I don't even feel like I'm on a vacation! I tried to "process" my discomfort and fear, and I think this is one of the only times that I got something out of it. After I got over all the sadness, I know that I am a strong infinite being and there is a purpose to my path, no matter how difficult it is. I have a line of credit, so I'm not going to die. I also understand that I shouldn't feel like I don't belong, because I'm here for a reason and I should belong wherever I go.

Today I had an "interview" to go to this morning. Like I have guessed, it was some multi level marketing scheme with Herbalife. Not my kinda bag at the moment. I left and strolled around the city. I ended up going back to the Original BP to visit the Korean girl and the French guy. I caught her at a good time, and she told me that the new roommates are really good. They always want to do things together and much nicer and tidier than the last ones. Maybe I should have stayed a bit longer. I randomly met this new Greek guy there, and we started chatting for a long time. We ended up going for a coffee. He invited me to stay in the city to join their parties but I reclined because the ferries does not run all night and I have no idea how to take the bus home. I would also like to rest but there's no place for me to do so, well at least my own. It's getting quite windy right now too...brrr.... Maybe it's time for me to go party tonite... back at Manly Beach. Who knows, maybe when I go back, no one will be home. I don't understand why I haven't gone party in Australia yet. Now I'm back in the city at the old hostel, it seems like there are more people I connect with than at Manly. I kinda miss this place now, o wellz.

Today I followed up with Quiksilver in Manly, and the girl said they have already done their hiring. I feel like all my timing is off, so I realize that it's not the best time to find a job now as it is getting too close to the holidays. Today I have decided that if I still don't find anything in a week, I'm going to Bali to run away from all the over hyped holidays in Sydney. It's probably cheaper for me to be there than trying to find a place to sleep here. Maybe do fruit picking work when I come back and save some money.

Still living day by day. I know things will be okay (positive thinking).